The
greatest loss anyone can ever encounter is the loss of themselves. Not a loved
one. Not a job. Not a relationship. The loss of themselves. But usually one
loses him/herself on the threshold of losing someone or something else; because
when that happens it’s only human nature to lose a piece of yourself or
everything you ever believed you were.
If
I close my eyes I can almost remember that girl from my past. She never smiled,
but she was happy. Her ambitions surpassed anything anyone ever assumed, and
her dreams were more like goals she could check off a list. But that didn’t
please anyone. Instead she was reprimanded for everything she aimed to achieve
and scolded for not being a child.
Then, a rebellious adolescent. Then, a free spirited young adult. That was
until she experienced her greatest loss—the loss of every aspect of who she
ever was.
The
one thing we as adults cannot deny is the memory of hearing these words while
growing up, “You don’t want to grow up. Life is hard.” What these careless
adults forgot to do was provide us with advice to slightly ease our way into
the future. But after reaching adulthood myself I realized they didn’t forget to advise us, they chose not to. Almost 20 years of
experience have brought me to the saddest conclusion, that deep down people
don’t truly wish the best for each other. Instead they root for your failure;
and rather than sharing helpful tools from their own experiences to help you in
yours, they leave you hanging off a cliff, on the edge, telling you, “It only
gets harder.”
My
greatest loss started right after graduation. Nineteen and hopeful with a Bachelor’s
in Sociology and a Minor in Child Development & Family Studies, the world
seemed to gleam with potential for a fresh, energetic and creative mind like
mine. Step one: Get a job. Done! A local nonprofit I knew for years was willing
to welcome me in, but only as an intern. To me a job doesn’t necessarily entail
money—at least not in the beginning. I knew I needed experience and so I
agreed. But three months into the position they hired me on for a temporary
project I had no experience or interest in. First crack.
Step
two: Fulfill the lifelong dream of publishing a book. Since childhood I
excelled in poetry and so I yearned to put together my best poems into one
book. The backlash from that goal is still scalding me but at least I have the
feel of a hardcover with my name on it to be somewhat proud of. Deepened crack.
The
year before publication was brutal. I spent every evening on Google trying to
research decent publishers that would welcome a book of poetry. Then I decided
to turn to community members who had remotely similar experiences with their
publications and instead I received this:
“You can’t just go publish a book out of
nowhere. You’re a nobody. It takes years of establishing a real reputation as a
writer in the literary world before you can even think about producing a work
of your own.”
The
good news? I’m one of those rare females that finds fuel in opposition and so I
worked even harder only to find that after publication the support would
dwindle further. Farewell to more pieces and hello to the wake up call that
unfortunately my own people nestle with popcorn in anticipation of my fall.
That’s when I decided fine, I will fall, with a zing. And I fell in love. Let
the biggest piece get in place.
No
it wasn’t planned or purposeful. It wasn’t the act of rebelliousness they all
called for. It was an unconscious wrong exit I took on the freeway of the life
I thought I wanted, steering me into the confusing state no one warned me I’d
be stuck in four years later. But when he (never) bid me an unwarranted
farewell six months later at his departure, he took with him almost all that
was left of me, and that’s when everything changed.
He
said goodbye, graduate school said hello and I found myself in a hazy state of disillusionment.
My work experience had misled me to believe that the public sector life was
where I ought to be and so I suffered through two years of a disorganized
unprofessional graduate program, got my graduation delayed a year and spent two
and a half years afterwards job hunting in places that repeated the phrases
“Budget Cuts” and “Hiring Freeze.”
When
my family offered their warm welcome to take a break I began to reassess
everything I ever dreamed of. Every position I applied for required a
commitment to a lifestyle in government that I ultimately did not want to be
trapped in. The dream to become a marriage and family therapist was extinguished
when I was introduced into the deeper realm of the marriages and families
surrounding me. The desire to work towards a goal of gender role reform became
far-fetched and laughable in this century. And suddenly everything I believed,
everything I wanted, changed. But that’s when I realized it was possible that
everything I thought I ever wanted, I only convinced myself I wanted.
The
scariest part is the sensation of feeling lost. Suddenly realizing the map you
drew out for your future is now void. I’ve read numerous articles and
overreaching quotes about needing to lose yourself in order to find yourself.
And maybe, just maybe, once I find my stability I can say that’s true, but
until then where does that leave us? And I say us because I know I’m not the
only one who suddenly hits a dead end in life and wonders what is this all for?
For
12 years I strived for a future to serve others at the expense of serving
myself. I was convinced that providing human services through marital therapy
or public service was the key to my happiness only to feel otherwise today.
It’s not that I don’t want to help people, I do, but I’m beginning to find
different avenues to do so that could possibly lead to my own personal
happiness as well.
Some
may call this selfishness because I keep worrying about myself, but at the end
of the day shouldn’t I be concerned about myself? After all, if I don’t take
care of my mental and physical well being, how can I serve others? So far the
paths I am desiring to take don’t match what an average Muslim woman would do,
but I ask myself the question if I’m not breaking any legal or religious laws
where’s the problem? If life provides you with the wake up call you needed and
gives you a second chance to catch all the dreams you thought you could never
chase, why not?
It
has caused a stir though, all of it, this loss of myself, my visions, my path
and my current shift in gears. What about the education I wasted so much money
on? What about the more prestigious paths I was planning to take? What about
the girl I used to be?
In
the past three years that I suffered through job hunting, PhD. program
rejections, and the personal life drama that cannot help but occur I’ve reached
a few different morals from this jumbled story. It truly is unfortunate that
society fails to give you a proper facet to life, and maybe that’s because no
one has it. They told us go to college, get a Master’s, then get a job. They
never told us that in order to get a job you need a minimum of 3-5 years of
experience. They told us the 9-5 routine was the most stable routine towards
retirement, but who wants to live for that? Why not develop a plan that
provides stability with passion and joy? A plan that actually makes your heart
skip a beat like it did the first time you felt real love. A plan, that like
any other has its risks and potential to crumble, but is worth pursuing
nonetheless. I think I may have found mine but it feels like such a battle to take
the first step and convince those around me of the seriousness. But I think
those who truly matter, those who have seen my conviction of things in the past
and my true effort to reach those goals, those are the people who will help me
through this obstacle course and to my ultimate dream.
I
pray that if there’s one thing this 21st century changes, it’s the
misconstrued method of how we raise our youth. Giving them mixed signals when
we say, “Slow down but hurry up,” in life. Putting money before happiness, and
undermining the potential of believing in a dream. Even if it is a childhood
dream that still burns through adulthood.
