There's always
something intriguing that has to happen at marital related events, especially
Arab ones. This had been the first that I had attended since my own and the
battle between not going and going was tough, however, if it weren't for the
girl's eager message, I probably would have clicked the usual "Not
Attending" button and moved on. Since the Syrian revolution and war
erupted, I had chosen to reduce the number of celebrations I
attended—even engagements/showers/weddings. Some may find that excessive but to
me it felt like my way of honing in my time and money on areas that needed my
attention in the here and now. I was not belittling the marriages of these
people. I wished them well always, kept them in my prayers, and truly with all
my heart hope that they have entered a union far from what I endured and what I
always feared. At the end of the day I wanted them to be happy but I wanted me
to be happy and comfortable as well. So I stood by my new policy and stood by
it strong. That's why when it came time for me to tie the knot, I wanted to
steer clear of the large banquet halls with dividers, two dance floors, the
three course meals, and a load of unnecessary gifts. I wanted to unite people
in simplicity and with love and kindness and I thought I had done my best.
Clearly I failed, so much so that someone recently took it upon himself to
harass me about the one large get together I hosted in my whole life, to
celebrate the union of what I thought was a happy marriage. The one where my supposed
life partner and I had informed our guests that all we wanted was to spread
kindness and charity and that in lieu of expensive novelties, we offered
donations on behalf of each and every one of them.
With the unwinding of it all, to be honest, it's been harder to digest the deafening wedding bells around me, and when invitations arrive it almost kills me. But something called me to say yes to this bridal shower and I found myself dressed up, dolled up and feeling good for the first time in so long. I hadn’t planned on staying long, just a simple greeting, a drink and then an early return, but there's a saying I love: "You want, I want, and God does what He wants," and that's how the night unfolded.
It was a gorgeous venue that overlooked what seemed like the entire county, sparkling beneath the beautiful orange sunset. It really isn't called Orange County for nothing. The room was modest and simple, yet utterly elegant. I sat at a round table alone, recognizing vaguely familiar faces in the highly air conditioned practically empty room. It was awkward until the bride to be finally walked in and began greeting the current guests. She sparked in her golden gown like the sun outside those phenomenal floor to ceiling windows. She beamed with happiness and suddenly a part of my heart worried. Did every girl master the capability to appear so happy when things were actually at their worst? Is that one of those natural superpowers we are born with that supposedly inherently makes us amazing beings called moms? Moms who manage to smile and tell you everything will be fine even when the world is crumbling?
At that moment I prayed and prayed hard for her and the man she'd be vowing her life to forever. I prayed that he was well worth that promise and that he would only reciprocate the same, if not more, for a wise, witty and warm woman like her. A woman who noticed I sat alone at the corner table and had me join the slightly fuller one nearby so I could meet new friends. She left me in good hands and with a group that made a pretty strong impression on me.
With the unwinding of it all, to be honest, it's been harder to digest the deafening wedding bells around me, and when invitations arrive it almost kills me. But something called me to say yes to this bridal shower and I found myself dressed up, dolled up and feeling good for the first time in so long. I hadn’t planned on staying long, just a simple greeting, a drink and then an early return, but there's a saying I love: "You want, I want, and God does what He wants," and that's how the night unfolded.
It was a gorgeous venue that overlooked what seemed like the entire county, sparkling beneath the beautiful orange sunset. It really isn't called Orange County for nothing. The room was modest and simple, yet utterly elegant. I sat at a round table alone, recognizing vaguely familiar faces in the highly air conditioned practically empty room. It was awkward until the bride to be finally walked in and began greeting the current guests. She sparked in her golden gown like the sun outside those phenomenal floor to ceiling windows. She beamed with happiness and suddenly a part of my heart worried. Did every girl master the capability to appear so happy when things were actually at their worst? Is that one of those natural superpowers we are born with that supposedly inherently makes us amazing beings called moms? Moms who manage to smile and tell you everything will be fine even when the world is crumbling?
At that moment I prayed and prayed hard for her and the man she'd be vowing her life to forever. I prayed that he was well worth that promise and that he would only reciprocate the same, if not more, for a wise, witty and warm woman like her. A woman who noticed I sat alone at the corner table and had me join the slightly fuller one nearby so I could meet new friends. She left me in good hands and with a group that made a pretty strong impression on me.
The usual routine questions that surface at Arab/Muslim weddings came about with these strangers. Where is your family from? How long have you lived in the U.S.? Are you married? Do you have kids? On that second to last one I just simply said, "No," and left it at that. There was no need to be a buzzkill…until the "Well, why not?!?!" questions arose. It was from one girl who, although had never met me, I later discovered actually unknowingly attended my wedding (it was hosted at a local festival where the relationship had originally blossomed a year prior—ha!). The moment I said, "Divorced," all was silenced and for the first time I saw a silver lining to this label. Not one soul at this event (or any other Arab/Muslim one since the divorce for that matter) has offered the legendary despised phrase, "A'balek." Arab speakers know it all too well, but it's translation is, "May you be next." It's an unfortunate common statement every human being states to the singles, usually when they pass by and notice us sitting at the little kids table because every other "adult" seat is inhabited by a couple. After the first six hundred times you hear it, you begin to dodge any and all conversations that may lead to it because it's definitely a double edged sword.
If you smile and say, "Inshallah," (which means "if God wills") you're given a malicious look and called both desperate and conceited. If you smile and say, "No thank you, I'm not looking now," you've opened a can of worms that will haunt you till you marry (or marry and divorce). But that night as every other girl beside me got that comment, I was overlooked and I felt…free. Relieved. No more old women staring at me as I danced and laughed and enjoyed the night; inspecting my body and behavior for their sad pathetic sons. No more old ladies following me to the bathroom to get my family's info so they could call my parents and schedule an appointment to come over and window shop for a bride. I had been taken off the market, labeled “damaged goods” (and I’ve actually been called that too) and you know what, it’s been great! The night became more exciting when I spent the rest of it conversing with a fellow divorcĂ©e and laughing about what the community puts us through before, during and after marriage.
However, this wasn’t the only impression that night left me with. Something else ignited these Lady Narrator wheels. While at the original round table discussion, there came about further inquiry on why one should indeed get back on the saddle after being thrown off the bull. Apparently it is dubbed somewhere in the ancient scrolls or tablets of the historic era of “Bullshiznia” that life is absolutely worthless without a family. To be specific, a family that includes you being a wife/husband and bearing children. I couldn’t help but throw my head back in laughter. I do agree to a certain extent—life is unlivable without a family—but who the heck defined family in one single way? Where does it state that a woman’s life is dispensable if she has not yet married and reproduced? That the family she lives with and honors, the family who gave birth to her, took care of her, raised her, and picked up her broken shattered pieces in the middle of the damn honeymoon, isn’t really considered the “appropriate” family to provide worth and value to the life she’s living? That it is all null and void until she ties the knot…again…with someone and then has HIS children. (Has anyone ever noticed, by the way, that they are always called HIS children, never HERS or better yet, THEIRS? Interesting huh?)
I told that woman, so
eager to instill in me a desire to remarry, that although healing from abuse
takes more than six months for the normal human being, I am completely content
and fulfilled right now with the family I've been given. Why do I need to let
that one go and start a new one, with a stranger, who at this point may or may
not be lying to me or using me or manipulating me? Why does everyone seem to
believe a woman is incomplete if she is not a wife? I am a proud daughter, a
proud older sister, a mentor for students, a manager, a friend and someone who
lives with purpose? Where is there a void? And why is marriage defined as a “void
filler” instead of a life enhancer? People really need to wake up and redefine
this dementedness. A woman shouldn't need
to marry, neither should a man. Rather it should be a want, a choice made,
based upon honesty and compatibility. Because if I'm just taking someone I
need, to simply fill the cracks in my heart, I'm not choosing the right person,
nor am I choosing him for the right reasons. I learned that the hard way—by
being someone's needed choice, not wanted choice—and trust me, nothing can be
more suffocating or agonizing than living a draining life like that.
Love and marriage need to be built upon a mutual foundation of respect and support, and often it seems one sided, and that only makes the idea of getting back on the horse (or bull) all that much scarier. What's the guarantee, when all you're seeing are these hardships? How do you know that next time you won't end up crying yourself to sleep every night again? Or being yelled and cursed at publicly? That's when this woman blew me away with one more ridiculous comment. "Well, there is no guarantee. Marriage is a gamble and you'll only know after you marry." That was it. That was all I needed. I threw my napkin down and headed over to the dance floor to celebrate a gamble I had lost and then won. If marriage is a gamble, I'll never ever play again, and sadly, I think that's what my bookie wanted all along and he got his wish: If he can’t play me, no one else will.
This world needs help. It needs God and spirit and a massive reformation if we thoroughly believe and accept marriage as a gamble. You either wake up the next day with the winning lottery ticket or you’re screwed and wake up to ten lost years and a whole hell of a lot more. Really? Why do we raise human beings this way? Men, who do everything in the book and then walk away unscathed and manage to get everyone on their side, including a first, second and third chance? Women, who are too weak and insecure to demand what they deserve, like a life worth living and cherishing, with ambitions and accomplishments? A friend of mine decided to pursue higher education after having her children. The world continues to mock her though she's halfway through. I love this woman to death because she is literally the most stubborn rebellious spirit out there and it has brought her nothing but goodness. People try so hard to break her down, even her family, and I've watched her overcome it all and rise from the ashes with that inspirational determination to keep going. The person that floors me the most though is her husband, who is always right there, front and center cheering her on. Never getting jealous or insecure or complaining, but proud. That kind of a husband should NOT be a gamble we women have to place our bets on and hope he’s the one we get after saying "I do." Never. It shouldn’t be an Oscar winning performance demonstrated in the period leading up to the marriage only to awaken and find yourself in chains.
I've heard it one too many times, guys saying they're straight up when it comes to relationships; that they supposedly say what they mean and go after what they want. L.O.L. Guys flirt and play with messages and attempts and then disappear for a while. They only come back when they realize they're nearing their own gray haired biological clock and lure women in. They use well phrased statements and empty promises and the whole time we believe their intentions must be good. After all, they have “faith” in God, make their prayers, go to the mosque, seem charitable and volunteer. Sure, sounds like a plan. Hey, even if not, women hear those achingly horrible whispers from their societies that break down their self-esteem and tell them they’re running out of time. Out of time for what? If you believe in God, one of your pillars of faith is believing in destiny—what’s meant to be.
Marriage is no freaking gamble. It's a contract and it's either entered honestly and wholly or not entered at all. The partners either appreciate, support and respect one another completely or walk away, because the risk isn't worth it. Marriage is not the table where you place your chips all in or all out just because of a whim or the pressure of time. To start the next generation of family (the one apparently more valuable in this day and age than the one that gave birth to you and raised you) requires a full sense of assurance. That internal gut feeling everyone says you have when he/she is "the one." After that, you pray and hold faith that God will look out for you both as you embark on the same path towards Him with the purest of intentions.
Love and marriage need to be built upon a mutual foundation of respect and support, and often it seems one sided, and that only makes the idea of getting back on the horse (or bull) all that much scarier. What's the guarantee, when all you're seeing are these hardships? How do you know that next time you won't end up crying yourself to sleep every night again? Or being yelled and cursed at publicly? That's when this woman blew me away with one more ridiculous comment. "Well, there is no guarantee. Marriage is a gamble and you'll only know after you marry." That was it. That was all I needed. I threw my napkin down and headed over to the dance floor to celebrate a gamble I had lost and then won. If marriage is a gamble, I'll never ever play again, and sadly, I think that's what my bookie wanted all along and he got his wish: If he can’t play me, no one else will.
This world needs help. It needs God and spirit and a massive reformation if we thoroughly believe and accept marriage as a gamble. You either wake up the next day with the winning lottery ticket or you’re screwed and wake up to ten lost years and a whole hell of a lot more. Really? Why do we raise human beings this way? Men, who do everything in the book and then walk away unscathed and manage to get everyone on their side, including a first, second and third chance? Women, who are too weak and insecure to demand what they deserve, like a life worth living and cherishing, with ambitions and accomplishments? A friend of mine decided to pursue higher education after having her children. The world continues to mock her though she's halfway through. I love this woman to death because she is literally the most stubborn rebellious spirit out there and it has brought her nothing but goodness. People try so hard to break her down, even her family, and I've watched her overcome it all and rise from the ashes with that inspirational determination to keep going. The person that floors me the most though is her husband, who is always right there, front and center cheering her on. Never getting jealous or insecure or complaining, but proud. That kind of a husband should NOT be a gamble we women have to place our bets on and hope he’s the one we get after saying "I do." Never. It shouldn’t be an Oscar winning performance demonstrated in the period leading up to the marriage only to awaken and find yourself in chains.
I've heard it one too many times, guys saying they're straight up when it comes to relationships; that they supposedly say what they mean and go after what they want. L.O.L. Guys flirt and play with messages and attempts and then disappear for a while. They only come back when they realize they're nearing their own gray haired biological clock and lure women in. They use well phrased statements and empty promises and the whole time we believe their intentions must be good. After all, they have “faith” in God, make their prayers, go to the mosque, seem charitable and volunteer. Sure, sounds like a plan. Hey, even if not, women hear those achingly horrible whispers from their societies that break down their self-esteem and tell them they’re running out of time. Out of time for what? If you believe in God, one of your pillars of faith is believing in destiny—what’s meant to be.
Marriage is no freaking gamble. It's a contract and it's either entered honestly and wholly or not entered at all. The partners either appreciate, support and respect one another completely or walk away, because the risk isn't worth it. Marriage is not the table where you place your chips all in or all out just because of a whim or the pressure of time. To start the next generation of family (the one apparently more valuable in this day and age than the one that gave birth to you and raised you) requires a full sense of assurance. That internal gut feeling everyone says you have when he/she is "the one." After that, you pray and hold faith that God will look out for you both as you embark on the same path towards Him with the purest of intentions.
