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| So, um, dude, which way do you freakin want to go? |
Remember
that gorgeous night, where you sat facing each other, beneath the beach stars
that couldn’t illuminate as brightly as the spark between you two? Sipping
perfectly warm coffee in the invigorating summer breeze? You had just finished
dinner and things were going great as you laughed and joked and felt utterly at
ease with this man. You thought, wow, thank you God. Thank you for making me
realize how alive my heart could be. Thank you for showing me what hope looks
like. Thank you for allowing me to recognize how every failed opportunity
before was just a paving of the way to this magnificent connection. To him. To
that beautiful smile. You say goodbye and giddily sing along to every song on
the drive home. You arrive with a spring in your step and a smile you can't
remove. You notice there's already a text from him, thanking you for another
wonderful night and wishing you sweet dreams until the next time. Everything is
blissful until…you wake up three weeks later and still haven't heard from him
since. What the hell? You can't help but sneak a peek at his Facebook to make
sure he's still alive, and sure enough there he is, uploading photos and
updating statuses and you wonder, is your phone broken? Then when you see that
texts and calls are indeed coming in from everyone but him, you can’t help but
wonder, are you broken? Where did you
go wrong? What could have happened when you never even had a chance to speak
after that night? What could you have possibly said or done?
Well, ladies, I've come to bear the bad (or good) news. Here's why he hasn't called:
Well, ladies, I've come to bear the bad (or good) news. Here's why he hasn't called:
1.
His phone died
and every Apple store/distributor he went to was sold out from iPhones and he
just can’t function with any other phone but the iPhone—and the newest version
at that. So just sit tight. The call’s coming.
2.
He’s actually
Amish and when it was discovered that he was talking to a girl from the
outside, the villagers revolted and locked him up in the cabin. Forever.
3.
His split personality
disorder has not been managed. The person he currently is hasn’t met you yet.
Keep calm.
4.
He went to a
psychic and she told him you weren’t “the one.”
5.
He got into a
motorcycle accident and was hospitalized immediately. When he awoke from the
coma he asked for his phone to text you, but they told him it was crushed upon
impact and everyone’s been too busy to bring him a replacement phone. He even
went to ask a nurse at the nurse’s station to use the station computer to at
least private message you on Facebook, but because that would violate HIPAA
regulations, he was denied access. His greatest agony is not the pain of
bruises and broken bones, but his inability to let you know.
6.
His parents
overheard him talking to you one day and disapproved after doing the
traditional background marital check. They have forced him into an arranged
marriage with some other girl from overseas. He stares at your Facebook profile
photo every night wishing he could reach out and explain. He still wishes you
are the one beside him.
7.
You’re not the
only one he’s seeing. He’s making his rounds. He’ll be back. (But girl, do you
even want that back?)
8.
He decided to
become a monk.
9.
As a scientist he
handles dangerous chemicals on a daily basis. One day—three weeks ago
coincidentally—a chemical leakage occurred and he’s been in quarantine ever since.
10. His aunt was rushed into an emergency surgery and he had to travel.
His travels took him to an area where there was no Wi-Fi, phone service or
access to any technology—except the technology that’s handling the surgical procedure.
He was so emotionally overwhelmed and swamped that he couldn’t even send you a
text before he left because he didn’t want to sound crazy. He didn’t think
you’d believe the emergency occurred an hour before you were going to meet
up—especially considering he had appeared so excited about seeing you.
11. Thanks to #SCOTUS, he came out of the closet and has been too
excitedly planning his wedding to tell you.
12. He assumed you were like Daisy and went on to get a Gatsby
reformation. It seems he never read/saw the ending to that story.
13. He got a cat. It got his tongue…and his texting thumbs.
14. He knows you’re the one but before “settling down,” he decided to
empty out his bucket list of bachelorhood and is still underway swimming with
sharks, wrestling with lions and jumping off cliffs.
15. He realized, after days of Facebook stalking you, that you were way
out of his league and so he bowed out secretly. (Oh shucks! Seems like he would've
been a keeper too considering that skill set of smart deductive reasoning.)
16. He signed up for a secret government program that is pretty much a
cross between the 1997 film Face/Off
and the 2015 film Self/less. He
literally could be anyone at this point but he can’t tell you because he’s
either undercover or suffering amnesia.
17. Just as dumb as Ross, he assumes you are “on a break."
18. Just as naive as Chandler, he assumes that one disagreeing opinion over
coffee means the end.
19. He’s really a robot from The Terminator’s army. You were a
distraction from the mission.
20. Or, he’s a ghost. Boo!
21. Or, he’s a time traveler and he's not sure you want to endure
being his wife with that fate. I mean you saw what happened to the other time
traveler and his wife. She became a widow and spent the last few years knowing
it would soon happen and he died in an ironic twist of fate by the hands of his
own father in law. (Oh, sorry, did I just spoil the movie for you? Eh, life is
full of disappointments. Roll with it.)
22. Another woman set her sights on him. She’s kidnapped him and held
him against his will.
23. Upon finding out he wouldn’t be your first—despite you not being his
first, second or third—his egotistical sense of entitlement was bruised and he
decided to venture off in the hunt for his virgin dipped in holy water.
24. You didn’t know, but he’s a volunteer firefighter and while trying
to put out one of California’s drought induced fire, he was injured and
hospitalized. Then…insert #5 here.
25. His mommy found out about you when she saw him texting happily—since
they live together—and her jealousy kicked in. She grounded him and told him you
are an evil cootie monster. He believes her. (I think it's safe to say you
dodged a bullet there.)
26. His insecurities—despite being a hot nerd—were so strong that he
feared committing to you would mean introducing you to the rest of his other
nerd friends and that there could be a chance you may leave him for one of
them. (Pardon me while I ROFL.)
27. At a party he attended, a fight broke out and he was hit so hard he
lost his memory. Now, you're just somebody that he used to know...
28. He followed the chicken across the road to ask it why. He found the
answer but he’ll tell you in the hereafter—wherever that may be.
29. Between all that immense genuine deep flirting, you didn’t realize
he was actually just after your friend. Once he got what he needed from you, he
moved on.
30. After complaining about how boring his law career has been, he was
suddenly given a very sensitive case, in which the man on trial has already
threatened his life and the life of his loved ones. He had to sever ties in
order to protect you. He’s only thinking of you.
31. Wait, why are you freaking. He is
talking to you. Can’t you see the sporadic “Likes” he leaves on your Facebook
wall every once in a while? That’s communication according to the 30-year-old
male humanoid.
32. He’s in jail.
33. He’s like Raj, from The Big Bang Theory. When you met, it was only after
he had gotten just tipsy enough to gain the courage to talk to you. After
starting AA, he can’t get himself to speak to you again.
34. While typing your number into his phone, his slightly chubby texting
thumbs accidentally hit the wrong number. He’s one digit away from you. (Oh so
close!)
35. Poor baby has early onset memory loss disorder.
36. Or, he has Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind-icitis. (Be on the look out for
the marathon I’ll be launching to help raise awareness and funds to support
research for the cure. We can do it!)
37. You’re Adam Sandler. He’s Drew Barrymore. This is 50 First Dates, but in reverse.
38. While making a deposit at his neighborhood bank, there was a heist
and he’s been held hostage for three long agonizing weeks. At gun point, he
wonders if he’ll ever be set free and get to ask you out again.
39. He's really a secret agent under cover and his mission required he
be transferred to a top secret location. All communication had to cease. Don't
worry, he's still tracking you. He'll always look after you, and love you, even
when you are married to someone else and have kids. When you're out there
gardening, he's watching with an aching heart second guessing the exciting
world of espionage. Wondering if it was worth missing out on a forever of
sipping lemonade in the summers with you while sitting on the porch swing,
watching your three kids—two boys and a girl—play in the front yard.
40. Or, while on this top secret mission, he was killed in the line of
duty for his country (whichever country that may have been).
41. Upon plugging in his iPhone to his MacBook Air to back it up, there
was a malfunction that caused both devices to crash. There was a spark and the
paper where you left your name and number caught fire and burned. (Please connect
him to firefighter from #24 and hot nerd from #26.)
42. He stumbled upon your blog or Facebook posts or publications or past
projects or work or something that illuminated your intellect and he was
suddenly taken aback and turned off because you proved to be too much of an
independent sassy strong fierce woman and he's really in the market for more
"lean meat." (Insert “Bye Felipe” hand wave here.)
43. On a weekend getaway cruise, there was a repetition of history and
like the Titanic, the ship hit an iceberg. He either had the fate of Jack or
Tarzan. You choose.
44. While on jury duty, he witnessed something he shouldn’t have. Now
he’s in witness protection until this case is closed. It will be a while.
45. He's already married and his wife found out but he lied and told her
you were the one after him so he cut off all ties and deleted you from Facebook
and refrained from ever again trying to court you. You’ll find out when one day
at your house of worship some random woman will come up to you and ask why her
husband is talking to you. (“And the Academy goes to….”)
46. While working out at the gym and thinking of you, he accidentally
injured himself badly with the equipment and disfigured himself. He second
guesses your ability to still want him now. He fails to recognize you're not as
shallow as he and that you would have taken him for simply being him. (Maybe we
should second guess that now?)
47. He found someone else. Despite being an amazing one-woman show with
enough skills to keep a man happily entertained, well, his male mind remained
too complex to be thoroughly satisfied. Don't worry, he'll be back, brace
yourself. These always come back.
They’re like awful boomerangs.
48. He was too much of a coward to tell you that he realized you two actually
aren’t compatible and decided disappearing would be the easiest on his pride.
49. Deep inside, he knows you two are the greatest fit. He loved your
smile. His heart was racing every time you laughed at his jokes. The sparks
were surely real. But his fear of commitment is just too damn strong. Love is
his kryptonite but I’m not quite sure he’s your superman. (Try Batman or
Ironman.)
50. Last, and most certainly not least, he was just playing you. He was
just entertaining the empty minutes of his lonely pathetic life of singlehood
in his 30s (or 40s) and can’t seem to commit to simply giving a true good woman
a chance. Sorry, but he ain’t sorry.
