When I was younger, I will admit, I was more religious. Many of us Muslims could agree with this statement. It's because we were fresh, raised with this mentality, young and innocent. It's also because the bowl of temptation didn't sit right before us like last year's Halloween candy. We had no idea what was to come. So many things were clearly distinguished between wrong and right and we saw the line that we would never dare cross because the weight of guilt was worse than the error itself.
It was so much easier back then to say, "No" to guys as well (don't let your minds stray, trust me). But that's probably because back then I rarely ever had to say it because I rarely ever came across that scenario. The one time a guy actually asked me out it was a prank pulled off by annoying 8th graders on me-the innocent 6th grader. The cutest guy on campus was walking towards me while his posse held in their obvious laughter behind him. It literally reminded me of "Never Been Kissed" and even then I was strong enough to not believe it. But then again I knew he didn't really care. I mean who would care about the buck toothed, mickey mouse glasses wearing Muslim covered girl who was labeled Teacher's Pet? As he begged and begged me to go to the Winter Wonderland Dance with him, I repeated my answer, "No."
Luckily, my mother pulled up in her shiny fancy car right on time and I walked away without looking back feeling as strong as ever for not falling into the disgusting prank those kids were pulling. But what happened to that? That perfect strength to stand our ground and never let them get to us? How did one taste of the poisonous temptation make us fall pray to every other obstacle on our path?
It started with just one string of hope and suddenly I braided my own twisted road of pain. Years after that incident I grew to be a mature girl focused on education. I started my first semester at community college feeling the amazing opportunities that lay ahead and that's when he appeared as well. The eligible bachelor of the Muslim community; the one that just "happened" to fall for me (ha!). He was handsome, funny, and someone the family would approve of. And knowing that HE was the one to care first was an added bonus. This was just the unwrapping of that first Halloween candy.
Back in the days, even talking to a boy was a taboo, something I would never allow myself to get near because just one dip in that toxic pool could definitely lead to drowning. But here, I was older, and so was he. The intent and idea was a future relationship, no games, no fakes, just honesty. Or so I thought.
I wanted to stay within my boundaries but keep a connection with him. But how? Forwards. That was my perfect answer. If I was never going to text, call or message him, why not send Fowards? Pathetic but handy. I received an e-mail about a new upcoming event in the community and I decided that would be the best way to get his attention. So after typing in six other friends' emails, I inputted his name (so it wouldn't be obvious that he was the first one on my list) and I sent it. Little did I know that that was going to be more than enough. And he used that ticket to start e-mailing me.
They were petty e-mails. Him asking me questions about random things I was 110% sure that he knew the answer to, only increasing my hope and hunches about his interest. But I had to learn the hard way, months later, that I could be easily replaced. Not bitter. No longer hurt. But I wonder now why that wasn't enough for me to let go and forget it all.
Because through more years of life and experience I discovered that men these days will do and say and play anything for a bit of entertainment at watching the girl crash and burn. And these are the ones that call themselves religious. How can that be? With each year I thought this year they'll be more mature. But you find they've got Master's Degrees, PhD.s, and steady seniority in jobs and yet rare maturity. And still, I remained kind, open, afraid of saying "No" anytime someone initiated a conversation.
I wondered how I could tell him, "I'm sorry but I don't really want to chat about nothingness," without sounding rude. Because I've found these days that men are more emotional than women and take things a lot more personally. Rather than respecting a woman who tells them she'd prefer not to start a meaningless relationship, he labels her: Extremely Religious, Arrogant, Rude, etc. So how does a girl balance between being nice and maintaining her religiosity?
Back in 6th grade, I was well aware and very much agreed to the idea that socializing with boys was only necessary if we were partners on a school project or worked together. But agreeing to go out for drinks after the merger meeting, or getting lunch after our midterm was not really an option.
I guess what I really am wondering is also on a personal level. I'm wondering if I can ever get that sensation of walking away from an offer the way I did so happily and confidently in 6th grade? Knowing that if this man TRULY meant the offer in an honest and futuristic manner he would actually take the right steps rather than beat around the bushes. I mean what is so hard with telling someone how you feel from the get-go? And then deciding to follow through with it the right way?
The thing is technology has started to dilute the Muslim's idea of communication and socializing. Now everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook. And so with that comes the Facebook Chat & Messages. EVERYONE e-mails. And let's not begin with texts. And most, if not all, have found a way to keep it all hidden and secretive. And slowly it's morphing and growing until it eats us all up. And we find ourselves tasting the bitter blood of broken hearts because we find out 3, 4, or 9 months later it meant nothing to the other person. Why?
After my rejuvenating escape from the Californian bubble for almost half a year I realized all of this. It starts with realizing how much you are worth and who you are and what you truly deserve. Petty flirts and chats that will lead no where are no longer on my list of do-ables. Why open the door to something that won't even come in?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
If only the looks could count ...
Review after review I felt my sense of hope being drained from my heart. After a few good months with my precious sparkly bronze Nokia it entered into the inevitable coma that most (if not all Nokias enter - hence their low status in California). Once again I restarted the hunt for a good replacement for my old and true love, the HTC with Google phone. The one that opened the door to so many that now exist. The phone that so many called ugly and bulky and crappy was a beautiful magician that enhanced my life.
"Oh that one? Yeah, actually it's being discontinued so we can't sell it anymore." His words were a slap across my face. "Are you serious?" My intent to go in and make a quick purchase of happiness had been killed. "Why?" He shrugged his shoulders and attempted to straighten up some of the phones nearby him. I felt a sense of betrayal as well disappointment that now I would be forced into getting the MyTouch or MyTouch slide - both of which revolt me. But that's when I saw him. The most gorgeous and breathtaking phone of my life. Our eyes met and I immediately knew that the HTC HD2 belonged in my hands so that my fingers could enjoy the picture perfect 4.3 inch screen of beauty.
I made my way over to that attractive beauty and we shared a Hollywood moment of admiration as I slowly scrolled up and down the large icon filled home screen. Everything about it amazed me ... until he spoke. "Actually, that's a Windows phone. Not an Android." He said, "Windows," and I said, "What the french toast?" As if the discontinuation of my baby wasn't bad enough, he had to throw that piece of information out at me like a curve-ball made of crap.
I left the store feeling a bit confused. Why was I so quick to judge Windows? After all, I spent a majority of my life using Windows and I began reminiscing the old days before my MacBook. The freezing. The out of no where shutting down. The seizure like movements of my screen. The constant viruses. The number of times I force-shut down my desktop, laptop, school computer and so on. I popped my own dream bubble as I drove back home contemplating what to do.
"OMG!!! YOU HAVE IT!!!" I saw it in her hands and I felt a shot of excitement as she shared the wealth. But something was different, a little off than the one I saw just a few days before. As I scrolled through the screen, an Android robot made his appearance every now and then. Confusion took over until I gave the phone a second look. It was not my baby HD2 but rather its cousin, the Evo from Sprint. Correction, the Android operated EVO from Sprint. I gave her back the phone like a child forced to return the toy to its rightful owner after a moment of hope sparked that I too could one day have my own one. And Sprint had done it again. It had sewn in me this hope that an amazing phone existed that I could get under the umbrella of T-Mobile only to then discover that if I wanted it, and wanted it unlocked and with my T-Mobile service I had to pay over $450 for it. And in this case, over $600.
The next few weeks were spent on pure research. Windows Mobile 6.5. HTC HD2. I wanted to convince myself that I could tolerate Windows Mobile. That all I really needed on this awesome HD2 were the calls and texts and emails. Occasionally Microsoft Outlook products, and just a few free apps from the place Windows dares to call an Apps Marketplace. I even tried to ignore the six websites of pure negative reviews on this phone. From people who were on their third replacement to people who couldn't stop cursing T-Mobile for stupidly accepting this phone into their collection without Android (and I so agree). I thought maybe those 93 people just didn't know how to use the phone and so once again I headed out to T-Mobile ready to make the purchase.
I gave her my phone line number. I showed her my I.D. And I stated which phone I wanted to upgrade to. "Are you sure you want to do that?" she asked with a serious and worried look. "Um, I guess..." She sensed my hesitation and began the bashing. "Because you know it's a Windows phone ... WINDOWS ... and not Windows 7, but 6.5, and you can't upgrade to 7. And because of that it's very slow and requires at least three reboots a day and rarely does anything but open Microsoft outlook for Power Points and Word. We've had so many people returning it. I'd advise you to wait because we have another phone coming out in this month..." And I cut her off. "Yeah I know, the Samsung Vibrant. I've done my research. But that one's smaller and well uglier. It looks the iPhone." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's only smaller by 0.3 inches and it's slimmer and it's Android."
It was quite ironic to hear the sales clerk try and convince you that you're making the wrong decision but she was doing it anyway. I felt like I was buying a can of expired beans and she was warning me of the consequences. And under the pressure of being stared down by four pairs of T-Mobile staff eyes I thanked her for the advice and promised to wait for the wanna-be Samsung. Instead I ran to my laptop and looked up ways to convert the poor and innocent HD2 into an Androidian rather than a sad Window. There was a way, but it sounded so rigorous and dangerous to the phone's system that although I saved the links and articles with the instructions, I knew I would never actually use unless I had the founder of The Geek Squad by my side, holding an electronic crash cart, ready to resuscitate at any moment. I imagined it. A dark room with an operating table beneath the only bright awkward white light above that poor HD2, who did nothing but obey the order to tag along that Windows 6.5. And there I was slowly slicing into its system trying to cover up the original OS and force the Android in. And suddenly the beep begins and he crashes. In comes the nerd, black pants, white shirt, suspenders and all, crash cart in action. And the imagination ends, knowing that the phone probably won't do any better with the addition of Android on top of Windows.
I decided to check out the HTC EVO and see what people had to say. Whether the HD2 got bad reviews from being Windows or from being HTC. Not one bad review popped up. And once again I envied Sprint. I even looked up where that phone was available (even at full price) and I discovered that it was sold out on eBay, Amazon and Overstock (kind of ironic to be sold out somewhere called Overstock no?).
I went to bed that night unsure of what to, with my current phone slowly drifting in and out of death, and it made me wonder, how could T-Mobile have no common sense about this issue? I mean the lady not only criticized the HTC HD2 but rather EVERY Windows phone T-Mobile ever released and I asked myself, why would they agree to accept Windows on such a highly rated phone? I get that Windows needs money (lol funny statement) and that they probably have a contract with phone companies, but this was such a terrible deal that they should have said NO DEAL from the start.
Now they have a long list of dissatisfied customers who are either cursing them daily or returning that phone in hopes of something better and Android loaded to come out - other than that Samsung too!
"Oh that one? Yeah, actually it's being discontinued so we can't sell it anymore." His words were a slap across my face. "Are you serious?" My intent to go in and make a quick purchase of happiness had been killed. "Why?" He shrugged his shoulders and attempted to straighten up some of the phones nearby him. I felt a sense of betrayal as well disappointment that now I would be forced into getting the MyTouch or MyTouch slide - both of which revolt me. But that's when I saw him. The most gorgeous and breathtaking phone of my life. Our eyes met and I immediately knew that the HTC HD2 belonged in my hands so that my fingers could enjoy the picture perfect 4.3 inch screen of beauty.
I made my way over to that attractive beauty and we shared a Hollywood moment of admiration as I slowly scrolled up and down the large icon filled home screen. Everything about it amazed me ... until he spoke. "Actually, that's a Windows phone. Not an Android." He said, "Windows," and I said, "What the french toast?" As if the discontinuation of my baby wasn't bad enough, he had to throw that piece of information out at me like a curve-ball made of crap.
I left the store feeling a bit confused. Why was I so quick to judge Windows? After all, I spent a majority of my life using Windows and I began reminiscing the old days before my MacBook. The freezing. The out of no where shutting down. The seizure like movements of my screen. The constant viruses. The number of times I force-shut down my desktop, laptop, school computer and so on. I popped my own dream bubble as I drove back home contemplating what to do.
"OMG!!! YOU HAVE IT!!!" I saw it in her hands and I felt a shot of excitement as she shared the wealth. But something was different, a little off than the one I saw just a few days before. As I scrolled through the screen, an Android robot made his appearance every now and then. Confusion took over until I gave the phone a second look. It was not my baby HD2 but rather its cousin, the Evo from Sprint. Correction, the Android operated EVO from Sprint. I gave her back the phone like a child forced to return the toy to its rightful owner after a moment of hope sparked that I too could one day have my own one. And Sprint had done it again. It had sewn in me this hope that an amazing phone existed that I could get under the umbrella of T-Mobile only to then discover that if I wanted it, and wanted it unlocked and with my T-Mobile service I had to pay over $450 for it. And in this case, over $600.
The next few weeks were spent on pure research. Windows Mobile 6.5. HTC HD2. I wanted to convince myself that I could tolerate Windows Mobile. That all I really needed on this awesome HD2 were the calls and texts and emails. Occasionally Microsoft Outlook products, and just a few free apps from the place Windows dares to call an Apps Marketplace. I even tried to ignore the six websites of pure negative reviews on this phone. From people who were on their third replacement to people who couldn't stop cursing T-Mobile for stupidly accepting this phone into their collection without Android (and I so agree). I thought maybe those 93 people just didn't know how to use the phone and so once again I headed out to T-Mobile ready to make the purchase.
I gave her my phone line number. I showed her my I.D. And I stated which phone I wanted to upgrade to. "Are you sure you want to do that?" she asked with a serious and worried look. "Um, I guess..." She sensed my hesitation and began the bashing. "Because you know it's a Windows phone ... WINDOWS ... and not Windows 7, but 6.5, and you can't upgrade to 7. And because of that it's very slow and requires at least three reboots a day and rarely does anything but open Microsoft outlook for Power Points and Word. We've had so many people returning it. I'd advise you to wait because we have another phone coming out in this month..." And I cut her off. "Yeah I know, the Samsung Vibrant. I've done my research. But that one's smaller and well uglier. It looks the iPhone." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's only smaller by 0.3 inches and it's slimmer and it's Android."
It was quite ironic to hear the sales clerk try and convince you that you're making the wrong decision but she was doing it anyway. I felt like I was buying a can of expired beans and she was warning me of the consequences. And under the pressure of being stared down by four pairs of T-Mobile staff eyes I thanked her for the advice and promised to wait for the wanna-be Samsung. Instead I ran to my laptop and looked up ways to convert the poor and innocent HD2 into an Androidian rather than a sad Window. There was a way, but it sounded so rigorous and dangerous to the phone's system that although I saved the links and articles with the instructions, I knew I would never actually use unless I had the founder of The Geek Squad by my side, holding an electronic crash cart, ready to resuscitate at any moment. I imagined it. A dark room with an operating table beneath the only bright awkward white light above that poor HD2, who did nothing but obey the order to tag along that Windows 6.5. And there I was slowly slicing into its system trying to cover up the original OS and force the Android in. And suddenly the beep begins and he crashes. In comes the nerd, black pants, white shirt, suspenders and all, crash cart in action. And the imagination ends, knowing that the phone probably won't do any better with the addition of Android on top of Windows.
I decided to check out the HTC EVO and see what people had to say. Whether the HD2 got bad reviews from being Windows or from being HTC. Not one bad review popped up. And once again I envied Sprint. I even looked up where that phone was available (even at full price) and I discovered that it was sold out on eBay, Amazon and Overstock (kind of ironic to be sold out somewhere called Overstock no?).
I went to bed that night unsure of what to, with my current phone slowly drifting in and out of death, and it made me wonder, how could T-Mobile have no common sense about this issue? I mean the lady not only criticized the HTC HD2 but rather EVERY Windows phone T-Mobile ever released and I asked myself, why would they agree to accept Windows on such a highly rated phone? I get that Windows needs money (lol funny statement) and that they probably have a contract with phone companies, but this was such a terrible deal that they should have said NO DEAL from the start.
Now they have a long list of dissatisfied customers who are either cursing them daily or returning that phone in hopes of something better and Android loaded to come out - other than that Samsung too!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
REAL Men Are Hard to Find
Although "A Midnight's Story" still has the final part coming along on paper, I decided to take a small break from it and post up a new issue that's been on my mind quite some time ... something I saw happen right before me and I just sat there in awe crossing my fingers that it would never happen to me.
"Honey!" he cried holding it out in front of him. It being his daughter, held at the tip of his fingers in his outstretched arms. "Honey! I think someone needs a diaper change!" He thinks?? He thinks someone needs a diaper change? I don't think he was really thinking at that moment. But I was. I was thinking, why couldn't he hold his daughter more properly, especially in front of guests, instead of acting like her poop was some radioactive material that contaminated his "precious angel" he was just showing off 72 seconds ago?
I was also thinking, what gave him the daring to call out to his wife (who had just delivered the baby two weeks prior) to come and change the diaper when he was energetic and fine and had not held the baby in his stomach for nine months and 27 hours of delivery.
Was he not MAN enough? Oh yeah! I went there! Because someone really needs to. It becomes so tiring to see it happen over and over. And they say (not sure who they are, but they do say) that men of THIS generation are more open minded and nurturing and are more involved in their children's lives but I have yet to see it. I do however see a man come to the woman's rescue by taking the child when ...
1. they want to show it off to family, friends, coworkers
2. their wife gives them that look of "Do it or else ..."
Even if the child were to be nearing some sort of danger, opening the front door and leaving, pulling the tablecloth that has heavy things on it, I see it. The man is still on the couch, 97% focused on whether or not Kobe's about to make the three-pointer and 3% on the potential danger ahead. And all he manages to say is, "Honey!" again.
It makes me cringe to see it all continuing. How can they call that manhood? When they're not men/man enough to do things. Going to the gym, staying late at work, keeping up with the NBA does not make you a man ... honey!
His wife walked in, dead tired, eyes drowning beneath black bags and dark circles, barely able to carry the full baby bag. She gracefully took her daughter and held her to her chest and walked over to a corner to begin the changing process. He immediately went back to his conversation almost as if nothing happened. And she continued to change the diaper lovingly talking to her baby daughter. He couldn't do that? Or at the least, hold his daughter properly?
If only the line was drawn at children. It extends to food, tea, clothes, packing, and so much more. There's a fine line between love and between laziness and I just can't cross it, let alone allow it to be crossed (just the way I feel). Why can't a man ever change his own child's diapers? Clothes? Why can't a man ever notice that his woman is a bit tired and would like a break without her having to say so? Why can't a man ever just decide "I'd like to give her a change and I'll make dinner/do the laundry/watch the kids today." What about the least of the least? A really kind and heartfelt word?
I hear it a lot today, women are marrying later. People ask why. I laugh. It's no real mystery. It's hard to say "Yes!" when you look around and realize that maybe men are nonexistent. Some may be a bit confused, but don't confuse men for guys/males/boys. Two completely different things. Because I've met both and there's a big difference. You see the maturity, the respect, the commitment a MAN has to offer (it's rare, trust me) and then you see the games, the disrespect, the advantage those others have to offer.
It's not easy, and men/males/guys/boys reading this, don't get me wrong, there will be many posts to come about how women are a bit messed up at times too ... but the males always seem to find a way to do something stupid and take their place on the front page of annoyances. Just like this man did, right in front of me, as I sat on his couch, only there to take care of his wife and pay her a visit to see how she was doing.
And then after all, don't men love to be the best, #1, the dominant? Well to earn that title and position you've got to be able to do both what a man and woman can do! And I've found that usually women end up doing the male and female roles these days. So may real men are truly hard to find!
"Honey!" he cried holding it out in front of him. It being his daughter, held at the tip of his fingers in his outstretched arms. "Honey! I think someone needs a diaper change!" He thinks?? He thinks someone needs a diaper change? I don't think he was really thinking at that moment. But I was. I was thinking, why couldn't he hold his daughter more properly, especially in front of guests, instead of acting like her poop was some radioactive material that contaminated his "precious angel" he was just showing off 72 seconds ago?
I was also thinking, what gave him the daring to call out to his wife (who had just delivered the baby two weeks prior) to come and change the diaper when he was energetic and fine and had not held the baby in his stomach for nine months and 27 hours of delivery.
Was he not MAN enough? Oh yeah! I went there! Because someone really needs to. It becomes so tiring to see it happen over and over. And they say (not sure who they are, but they do say) that men of THIS generation are more open minded and nurturing and are more involved in their children's lives but I have yet to see it. I do however see a man come to the woman's rescue by taking the child when ...
1. they want to show it off to family, friends, coworkers
2. their wife gives them that look of "Do it or else ..."
Even if the child were to be nearing some sort of danger, opening the front door and leaving, pulling the tablecloth that has heavy things on it, I see it. The man is still on the couch, 97% focused on whether or not Kobe's about to make the three-pointer and 3% on the potential danger ahead. And all he manages to say is, "Honey!" again.
It makes me cringe to see it all continuing. How can they call that manhood? When they're not men/man enough to do things. Going to the gym, staying late at work, keeping up with the NBA does not make you a man ... honey!
His wife walked in, dead tired, eyes drowning beneath black bags and dark circles, barely able to carry the full baby bag. She gracefully took her daughter and held her to her chest and walked over to a corner to begin the changing process. He immediately went back to his conversation almost as if nothing happened. And she continued to change the diaper lovingly talking to her baby daughter. He couldn't do that? Or at the least, hold his daughter properly?
If only the line was drawn at children. It extends to food, tea, clothes, packing, and so much more. There's a fine line between love and between laziness and I just can't cross it, let alone allow it to be crossed (just the way I feel). Why can't a man ever change his own child's diapers? Clothes? Why can't a man ever notice that his woman is a bit tired and would like a break without her having to say so? Why can't a man ever just decide "I'd like to give her a change and I'll make dinner/do the laundry/watch the kids today." What about the least of the least? A really kind and heartfelt word?
I hear it a lot today, women are marrying later. People ask why. I laugh. It's no real mystery. It's hard to say "Yes!" when you look around and realize that maybe men are nonexistent. Some may be a bit confused, but don't confuse men for guys/males/boys. Two completely different things. Because I've met both and there's a big difference. You see the maturity, the respect, the commitment a MAN has to offer (it's rare, trust me) and then you see the games, the disrespect, the advantage those others have to offer.
It's not easy, and men/males/guys/boys reading this, don't get me wrong, there will be many posts to come about how women are a bit messed up at times too ... but the males always seem to find a way to do something stupid and take their place on the front page of annoyances. Just like this man did, right in front of me, as I sat on his couch, only there to take care of his wife and pay her a visit to see how she was doing.
And then after all, don't men love to be the best, #1, the dominant? Well to earn that title and position you've got to be able to do both what a man and woman can do! And I've found that usually women end up doing the male and female roles these days. So may real men are truly hard to find!
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