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| “We give birth to other beautiful miracles too like...books.” |
Those 14 minutes
and 36 seconds became an awakening, a precursor to the revolution. After
watching it and crying at the finale, I felt compelled to post it. It moved me,
shedding light on elements of this same lifestyle choice I made over ten years ago,
that I didn’t even consider. For example, the verbiage used when communicating
with women that insinuate we not only have to
have children, but by default we must want to
have them. As if both are just a given. Spoiler Alert: They’re not!
It’s not that I
didn’t know or experience this often, but hearing it—listening to a woman
also experiencing the same things—brought it to life for me. This is why I write and
speak out. Sometimes it’s not that something is unknown, it’s that it is
unheard. Solidarity blooms from sharing stories.
Another element Christen Reighter, the woman from the Ted Talk , shared that shook me was how medical professionals treated her and this childfree lifestyle. In all honesty, I struggle to call those in the medical field "professionals" unless they master the art of humaneness. After all, it was a
“doctor” who told me I could not call what I experienced domestic violence because
I was not beaten to a pulp. What a relief to know that the field of medicine is
producing top-notch empathic healers. (That was sarcasm, if you don’t yet know
me.) As someone who briefly worked in healthcare, the single biggest complaint
from patients was, in fact, communication from doctors. When I saw the corporate puppet master behind the medical industry, I knew why. That’s a whole other article I
don’t feel like digging into quite yet. Plus a handful of remarkable women of
color physicians are working tirelessly to tackle this.
Christen and her Ted Talk were introducing me to a future I had not yet
prepared for: sexism in surgery. And before I started to imagine how much harder it would be for those of us who are non-white women to come forward with our childfree life choices, my Facebook comments came into the picture.
Not long after I shared the Ted Talk, *it* hit the fan. Christen talks about how her childfree life was always a first date conversation and I chuckled because it has always been for me as well. What amazes me is how problematic I am repeatedly told that is (bringing it up on the first date), but I never understood why. Why is that a problem? Why would I waste any time past the first date if it's abundantly clear he and I are not on the same page about something this big?
A random man, someone I don't recall adding on Facebook, caught wind
of the post and went off. In summary, he
dismantled the viability of my existence as a woman and as a Muslim due to my
childfree life choice, something not at all foreign to me. My ex-husband was
the first to do so, repeatedly. What angers and hurts me (and many other women) is
the continued silence of other men in these abusive situations, not the rant of the one
condescending jerk. It further reinforces women’s underlying fear: deep down, men really do support these patriarchal beliefs.
Not once have I
expressed this choice without receiving the disgusted facial expressions, the
pestering and invasive questions of why or what’s wrong with you?
For two years my ex-husband believed I was trying to hide a medical condition that rendered me infertile by saying I choose this lifestyle instead. The
man I dated last year was only content with this choice because he was 55 and had two children of his own. Had that not been the case, he would
not have agreed. How do I know? Because during the breakup he suggested I consider
polygamy because I was "never going to find a man who would be okay with this" so I'd be better off being the other woman.
After sharing the Ted Talk,
even women were questioning my reasoning for why. I owe no
one an explanation so I never justify my choice. However, everyone does owe me the right to live my life
as I see fit. This man on Facebook, however, didn’t seem to think so. He moved the harassment from public comments to private messages. Insults
about how doomed I am with this western brainwashing, causing me to lose sight of
my true Godly purpose. That I need to get reeducated on my faith because my
headscarf is looking more like a front. Needless to say, his ass was blocked.
For the first 24
hours, I wasn’t fazed. Just a day in the life of being a free-thinking woman. By
the second day though, something started to brew. Every single
Muslim man I have ever met on this planet holds the same beliefs as this Facebooker; they just won’t say it
aloud. This guy was merely gutsy because he had nothing to lose. On the same sad note, I find that a great majority of Muslim women share the same sentiments with half a handful of exceptions. Muslims have a
long way to go, especially with regards to child
rearing and sexuality, but to be fair, I will not sit here and pretend non-Muslims are masters at feminism and women's autonomy either. Case in point: GOP.
It’s a
disheartening and frightening realization to come to, our worth as women nullified when we don’t have children. I wonder often about those who
physically cannot have children. How do these communities and societies view them? Disposable? Insignificant? The answer
is yes. I know one too many stories of infidelity because the husbands valued the nonexistent humans to be above the women they married.
There is also the fact that men lie about this to get their way. I have uncovered many a men who try to start dating me, pretending they're on the same page, only to discover they're either just trying to get sex or on an undercover conversion therapy mission to "fix" me. (Then men ask us why we don't trust so easily.)
We're exhausted. People need to once and for all break out of these
traditional constructs that convince them of ridiculous roles that limit their
viability as productive members of society. However, seeing as how only two people stood up to that Facebooker, both of whom were women, I'm not too optimistic about concrete social change.
I just want to live in a world where a woman is recognized as nowhere near less valuable simply because she cannot or does not want to have children. And men, men need to unlearn most of what they know and re-learn how to see us as human beings with the same bodily autonomy and rights to live that they hold. We women are capable of "birthing" so much more than children and should be appreciated and respected for what we provide this world for its survival. From beautiful miracles of revolutions to nonprofit organizations to legislative changes to educational opportunities to books (https://www.amazon.com/Oceans-Flames-Lady-Narrator/dp/1547259256).
