Circus of Broken Hearts

It’s not easy, I’ll tell you that
If you’re not up for the challenge,
turn right back
My heart will never be whole,
no matter how much one will try
So take caution before embarking on this ride
Welcome to the Circus of Broken Hearts
Where I am the Ring Leader,
your guide across the field of mystical arts
Prepare to swallow your pride and breathe in fire
As my words burn with a flame,
fueled by the mistrust of many liars
Master the secrets of magic if you wish to survive
Because I’m chained beneath years of heavy waters in a glass box,
and I’m depending on your tricks to come back to life
Tolerate the cold of blades slicing you in two
I’m known for making men want to split,
and at moments you may wish so too
Train your mind in its psychic abilities
For now I require someone with the effort and intelligence,
to understand every inch of me with ease
Strengthen your body and get ready for the walk on glass
Did I forget to mention those were the pieces of my shattered heart
that, to get to me, you’ll need to pass?
How else will I know you’re willing to do it all?
Without these flaming hoops and obstacles,
we may as well brace ourselves for the fall
From high above with the acrobats, walking across the rope of fear
No safety net below us,
to keep it real
Even if I tried I couldn’t get myself to apologize
This is who I am now,
and I am beyond tired of jagged goodbyes
I’m giving it to you clear from the very start
No fine print hidden along the circus’s ad,
a disclaimer and a prevention of anything to fall apart
It’s a take it or leave it situation
And the bad does come with the good,
for your information
Broken and specific, thanks to history, can still be sweet
Listen to me recite words of love as the sun sets upon our tent,
and you’ll know about the passions you never thought you could meet
Inhale the sugar filled fragrances lingering in the air
As we sit in each other's arms,
enjoying the evenings with funnel cakes to share
Look at the worry in my eyes as you face death-defying stunts
Don’t underestimate my emotions,
they’re always on the hunt
And watch my smile heal day after day
A healing I never expected to find,
but your inner clown gave to me anyway

Growing Old

It never occurred to me how scary it was to grow old until last week. As I innocently waited at the red traffic light to change, I suddenly felt a heavy push against my car from behind. The loud thud of metal pang together made me realize a car just hit me. Immediately I looked in the rear view mirror to better acquaint with the reality of it and all I could see was white smoke rising in the air from a silver car whose hood was now even more visible with its newly formed dent. The screeching tires and the smell of burning rubber made the situation even more surreal and I just couldn’t get myself to step out of the car until the man in the truck in front me tapped on my window.

I got out shaking and just in shock unsure of what to say or do. First accident. First experience. First time. The man handed me a small white piece of notebook paper with the name Scott written across it and a phone number below. He looked at me and merely said, “If you need anything, I was here.” I smiled with appreciation and he walked back to his truck and drove off. Many eyes were starting to make their way towards the incident as I started walking towards the car behind me. As I approached the vehicle with massive hood damage I came closer to realize it was an old man—a very old man in his nineties who still had not moved a single muscle following the hit. His hands were shivering violently as they held on tightly to the steering wheel, almost like he was afraid of letting go. He faced forward and kept looking ahead like he was in denial. I felt my heart drop so hard at just the sight of him. A rush of pity came over me and it was so suffocating that I could barely hear his nurse apologize to me and explain the situation. I was caught in a trance staring at this old man’s trance. But I knew I had to snap out of it when the police car arrived and I found myself catching a few of the nurse’s words. “I told him don’t drive, don’t. But he wouldn’t listen. He just wouldn’t listen. He got his license last week and he wanted to drive. And then I screamed brake! Brake! And before I knew it we hit.”

The officer walked over confidently and checked quickly to see if anyone was injured. When he saw that we were all fine, he told us to “mount up” and go to the nearest parking lot to sort out the situation. A ton of remorse was starting to settle on top of my chest and the entire incident was not my fault, but I felt heartbroken at the sight of this man. The bumper of my mother’s SUV was the buzz kill to his high. His nurse opened his door and asked him to move out to the passenger side so she could drive it to the lot. I led the way for the two cars behind me as I maneuvered on over to the McDonald’s parking lot by my house. I parked. Then she. Then the officer. I opened my door and quickly began frantically searching for every piece of insurance information in my mom’s car. I made a mess but managed to find everything the officer asked for.

I kept looking over at that poor man. He could barely move; and even after he calmly collected himself, he seemed so fragile and tender that I wondered how on earth he was taking it all in. Every time we made eye contact I smiled. I wanted so badly to reassure him that not only was I safe, I was fine and happy. Yeah, I was not jumping for joy at the thought of my mom’s car in a mess; but I wasn’t some horrible preppy girl who was going to give him trouble. I answered the officer’s questions and waited silently in my car as he finished questioning the man and his nurse. “So sir, please explain to me what happened.” With a quivering hand the old man began gesturing to describe what had occurred. At the sight of an approaching red light, the man attempted to slam the brakes but instead slammed the gas pedal. And only after it was too late did he floor the brakes. That explained the outrageously loud screeching tires and horrific image of white smoke and burning rubber scent. And it all started to dawn on me—the fearful tragedy of getting too old.

It was hard enough to understand that your body grows tired, but your skills? Your secondhand nature abilities? Just imagine being told that what you were once passionate about you are no longer allowed to do because either your mind or your body is deteriorating? Imagine knowing that one day you can no longer go the restroom privately or shower alone because one day you won’t be able to. And what about the fearful thought of losing your memory? Every experience you saved inside of your heart and mind will vanish? It’s scary and unstoppable.

I was even more glad at that moment that he hit me and not someone else who couldn’t appreciate the fact that this man lived his life and was, well, nearing the end—as we all are with each passing day. I don’t know who he is or what he’s done, but I saw the look in his eyes. The fear that he hurt me. The fear he expressed about the financial stress this was going to bring him. The fear that maybe, he realized, the DMV (no matter what) could never issue him his youth back once again the way they simply issued him a California Driver’s License. And that part killed me. Realizing that all this man attempted to do last week, when applying for that square laminated ticket, was experience the control, the life, the whim of youth-hood just once more before the end. And I, a youth, a 22-year-old “youth” had to be his reality crash wake-up call at 9:00am on a Friday morning. To let him know that that was not going to work out.

From our childhood years to our adolescent years we strive so earnestly to grow up not realizing what burdens it brings. I was one of those. But I know that what I eagerly wanted was respect; which is what we often lack to give to the younger generation. But something we have to instill in our minds is to enjoy and take advantage of all these youthful and healthy years we have in our lives. Because with each passing day we are growing just a bit older. And rewind is possibly just an option with some of the wrinkle-target skin care today!