A frequent question I get asked is how do you identify domestic violence/abuse? This is a really good question but it’s also a tricky one for two reasons. First, it’s twofold when it comes to actual identification—are you trying to identify abusive behaviors in a perpetrator or trying to identify a victim who might need help or support? Second, abuse is still so incredibly normalized that many people are completely oblivious that they are either perpetrating or experiencing it. The handful of times I answered, “What happened?” early after my divorce, I was met with responses like, “But that’s just men,” or “Oh, that’s normal. You let men blow off some steam and then they cool off,” or the worst, “What did you do to anger him?” Quick disclaimer, even if someone screws up in a relationship, it doesn’t give their partner rights to abuse, but let’s get into the identification. In this article, I’ll be discussing how to identify a potential victim of abuse.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that survivors have a developed sense of awareness for abuse—be it a perpetrator or a victim. I know that’s not an answer, but it’s a reminder that we survivors have an untapped resource of diverse information on the matter. Personally, I’ve been able to recognize victims and predict oncoming divorces with ease since my own experience. On my wedding day, a divorced friend of mine came over early in the morning to help me get ready for the ceremony I never wanted in the first place (that’s actually a big identification factor—seeing someone severely alter their behaviors and/or lifestyles in a manner opposing their nature). I obliged to the wedding ceremony—instead of my city hall preference—after weeks and weeks of psychological and verbal abuse from my ex husband and his family.
As my friend zipped up my dress she said, “I know there’s so much pressure with today being the big day, and it could feel impossible, but it’s not too late to change your mind if you don’t want to do this.” After my divorce, I asked her what inspired her to say that. She told me she recognized something in my demeanor similar to hers on her wedding day. Most people claimed we looked so perfect and happy together, but I was reminded that (1) people don’t know me and most were just excited to get their feminist muzzled and (2) people say things like that just to maintain the status quo. I heard these same sentiments repeatedly from everyone around me in my last relationship. At the end of the day, no one knows what’s really going on inside a relationship, but hopefully the following tips help provide some insight, whether you’re trying to identify and support a victim or protect yourself/someone else from an abuser.
My mom often says, a healthy relationship is one that brings out the best in both partners, not the worst. She started saying this during my engagement and I knew that while she was offering sage advice, she was acknowledging a change in me. Not a good one, as would be expected for a victim. I was experiencing chronic anxiety attacks (real physiological episodes), I was constantly emotional and moody, and I developed insomnia that almost a decade later, I still suffer from. Witnessing the onset of these symptoms in someone you know after they enter a relationship is a sign. However, I have to stress that identifying a victim of abuse requires a great deal of sensitivity, compassion, and most importantly, patience. It is not your life and therefore you do not have decision making capacities. I can definitely relate to the frustration this creates, having worked with victims shortly after my divorce, and realizing every victim has their own timeline. We have to respect that, to a certain degree; if you see the potential for severe harm, intervention is a must. Otherwise, it takes time, identifying and supporting a victim.
Some things to pay attention to are moodiness, increased seclusion or isolation or withdrawal (emotional and physical), and severe lifestyle changes. It’s totally normal if your friend is experiencing the euphoric high of a new relationship and getting a little busier than usual with this special someone, but when that friend is doing things completely against their nature, as well as becoming all consumed and way too soon, it’s a major red flag. I really want to emphasize this point because it’s the first indicator for both parties. The romanticism of that “all consuming life altering” love is one of the most poisonous propaganda every industry has fed us. People are finally starting to recognize this as a byproduct of love bombing. With my ex husband, it was impossible not to fall for. It was my first time experiencing it.
We are constantly taught that we must find that one person who “sees” us and values who we are beyond just the looks, and sadly, that's become such an easy act for people to put on. My ex husband played the role so well and proclaimed, repeatedly, this love and wholehearted acceptance, even when my intuition kept feeling otherwise. However, the second time this happened, in my last relationship, I caught it immediately and called it out, eventually ending the relationship. A healthy relationship grows organically. It should not exhibit severe intensity or time consumption. If you start consistently missing deadlines, events, work; if your eating habits and routines drastically change; and if you find that quality time with family and friends suffers, there’s an issue. That’s not romance or love, it's the early signs of a potentially harmful relationship.
I write this and feel disheartened and a little betrayed, realizing how little we are taught about healthy wholesome relationships in life. And this part has nothing to do with religion or culture because my white friends, my Asian friends, my Jewish friends, and my Catholic friends, we are all suffering the same way. Discovering that sometimes, the only way to identify abuse is to sadly experience it, which isn't the most uplifting note to end on, but a realistic one. When I started my advocacy and educational work on domestic violence, I often shared the following disclaimer: I am not promising or expecting to prevent abuse, I am just hoping that I can accomplish the following goals:
(1) Help victims recognize they're being abused and leave sooner
(2) Be an ally and supporter to the best of my ability for survivors
(3) Educate the community, my community specifically, so we can overtime reduce this until we eventually break the cycle or make it far less prevalent
These are the reasons that for eight years, every October, I am here writing, publishing, recording videos, sharing posts, and praying that one day, I won't need to do this anymore.
