You grow up being
told everything happens for a reason. Deep down in my heart I know that's true,
and as I felt the sun kiss my covered skin beneath the chilly Newport Beach
air, I cried in wonder at what God intended to produce from this. It was
painful, bittersweet and ironic; the three words most commonly used to describe
life these days. I sat in the same place, smelled the same ocean and soaked up
the same sun, but something was entirely different. Actually more than one something,
but one was the feeling in me.
Once upon a time this was a carefree blissful moment of "anything can happen" and now it was a worrying stressful moment of "what is going to happen?" Life is unfair, that's another point I'll give credit to the world for actually warning me about. It truly is. When wars are waging for no valid reason with only innocents as casualties while we slowly alienate ourselves from the gravity of it all because of time lapse, life is unfair. When you put your hope and trust in something and someone and you take that leap of faith only to belly flop on pavement, life is unfair. When you sit upon the most beautiful bench staring out into the water created by God, as sailors pass by, swimmers pass by, and who knows what else, and yet you ache so uncontrollably that you cry, life is unfair. And when after all that you get one silver lining, immediately grab hold of it and think, "There is a chance," it breaks almost instantaneously and drops you back down on that black hot pavement, life is unfair. But I guess, like I noted in one of my previous posts, humans are either born lucky, blessed, or some rare few, lucky and blessed. This was a moment of bad luck, a long one, and yet such an unmistakable blessing it hurts. The mere fact of knowing that is just a blessing in itself.
It is a blessing when you know your Lord so well you actually hear Him. You may hear Him through actions, through gestures and through life experiences. For a while I've drowned out His words, pushing aside my intuition and gut feeling to follow blind faith. But how could I be so blind when I know that with God’s Faith there is never to be blindness? I cried more.
For a while now I prayed for signs, like a ship lost at sea looking for the lighthouse. A beacon of safety. I think He sent me many, but they were not what my current desires wanted so I ignored them, and continued to do so until I cracked. Shattered into jagged tiny shards of glass like the one from the window that collapsed in my house exactly one year ago. It was a frightening sight as I stared at the glass frozen in its space but so thoroughly cracked. It was clear that at any point gravity would overpower those pieces and they'd fall. They were me and I was them. I held on so tight when I knew the damage was done and the only thing left was to fall so that I could pick up the pieces to start again, and yet I refused.
Everyone around me was hurt, sliced by my newly formed jagged edges. I was changed, and not for the better. Ah, what life can do to you when you enter it with hope. I'm not saying look at the glass half empty, just be wary of what it may be half full of. If you’ve been drinking something that clouds your judgment and makes you lose your way, it’s time to let it go. Pick up your pieces, take a step forward, and watch the sun set on this chapter of life. All that matters is that your heart is finally in the right direction, knowing that the intention is to prepare for the next sunrise.
Once upon a time this was a carefree blissful moment of "anything can happen" and now it was a worrying stressful moment of "what is going to happen?" Life is unfair, that's another point I'll give credit to the world for actually warning me about. It truly is. When wars are waging for no valid reason with only innocents as casualties while we slowly alienate ourselves from the gravity of it all because of time lapse, life is unfair. When you put your hope and trust in something and someone and you take that leap of faith only to belly flop on pavement, life is unfair. When you sit upon the most beautiful bench staring out into the water created by God, as sailors pass by, swimmers pass by, and who knows what else, and yet you ache so uncontrollably that you cry, life is unfair. And when after all that you get one silver lining, immediately grab hold of it and think, "There is a chance," it breaks almost instantaneously and drops you back down on that black hot pavement, life is unfair. But I guess, like I noted in one of my previous posts, humans are either born lucky, blessed, or some rare few, lucky and blessed. This was a moment of bad luck, a long one, and yet such an unmistakable blessing it hurts. The mere fact of knowing that is just a blessing in itself.
It is a blessing when you know your Lord so well you actually hear Him. You may hear Him through actions, through gestures and through life experiences. For a while I've drowned out His words, pushing aside my intuition and gut feeling to follow blind faith. But how could I be so blind when I know that with God’s Faith there is never to be blindness? I cried more.
For a while now I prayed for signs, like a ship lost at sea looking for the lighthouse. A beacon of safety. I think He sent me many, but they were not what my current desires wanted so I ignored them, and continued to do so until I cracked. Shattered into jagged tiny shards of glass like the one from the window that collapsed in my house exactly one year ago. It was a frightening sight as I stared at the glass frozen in its space but so thoroughly cracked. It was clear that at any point gravity would overpower those pieces and they'd fall. They were me and I was them. I held on so tight when I knew the damage was done and the only thing left was to fall so that I could pick up the pieces to start again, and yet I refused.
Everyone around me was hurt, sliced by my newly formed jagged edges. I was changed, and not for the better. Ah, what life can do to you when you enter it with hope. I'm not saying look at the glass half empty, just be wary of what it may be half full of. If you’ve been drinking something that clouds your judgment and makes you lose your way, it’s time to let it go. Pick up your pieces, take a step forward, and watch the sun set on this chapter of life. All that matters is that your heart is finally in the right direction, knowing that the intention is to prepare for the next sunrise.
