When I was younger, I will admit, I was more religious. Many of us Muslims could agree with this statement. It's because we were fresh, raised with this mentality, young and innocent. It's also because the bowl of temptation didn't sit right before us like last year's Halloween candy. We had no idea what was to come. So many things were clearly distinguished between wrong and right and we saw the line that we would never dare cross because the weight of guilt was worse than the error itself.
It was so much easier back then to say, "No" to guys as well (don't let your minds stray, trust me). But that's probably because back then I rarely ever had to say it because I rarely ever came across that scenario. The one time a guy actually asked me out it was a prank pulled off by annoying 8th graders on me-the innocent 6th grader. The cutest guy on campus was walking towards me while his posse held in their obvious laughter behind him. It literally reminded me of "Never Been Kissed" and even then I was strong enough to not believe it. But then again I knew he didn't really care. I mean who would care about the buck toothed, mickey mouse glasses wearing Muslim covered girl who was labeled Teacher's Pet? As he begged and begged me to go to the Winter Wonderland Dance with him, I repeated my answer, "No."
Luckily, my mother pulled up in her shiny fancy car right on time and I walked away without looking back feeling as strong as ever for not falling into the disgusting prank those kids were pulling. But what happened to that? That perfect strength to stand our ground and never let them get to us? How did one taste of the poisonous temptation make us fall pray to every other obstacle on our path?
It started with just one string of hope and suddenly I braided my own twisted road of pain. Years after that incident I grew to be a mature girl focused on education. I started my first semester at community college feeling the amazing opportunities that lay ahead and that's when he appeared as well. The eligible bachelor of the Muslim community; the one that just "happened" to fall for me (ha!). He was handsome, funny, and someone the family would approve of. And knowing that HE was the one to care first was an added bonus. This was just the unwrapping of that first Halloween candy.
Back in the days, even talking to a boy was a taboo, something I would never allow myself to get near because just one dip in that toxic pool could definitely lead to drowning. But here, I was older, and so was he. The intent and idea was a future relationship, no games, no fakes, just honesty. Or so I thought.
I wanted to stay within my boundaries but keep a connection with him. But how? Forwards. That was my perfect answer. If I was never going to text, call or message him, why not send Fowards? Pathetic but handy. I received an e-mail about a new upcoming event in the community and I decided that would be the best way to get his attention. So after typing in six other friends' emails, I inputted his name (so it wouldn't be obvious that he was the first one on my list) and I sent it. Little did I know that that was going to be more than enough. And he used that ticket to start e-mailing me.
They were petty e-mails. Him asking me questions about random things I was 110% sure that he knew the answer to, only increasing my hope and hunches about his interest. But I had to learn the hard way, months later, that I could be easily replaced. Not bitter. No longer hurt. But I wonder now why that wasn't enough for me to let go and forget it all.
Because through more years of life and experience I discovered that men these days will do and say and play anything for a bit of entertainment at watching the girl crash and burn. And these are the ones that call themselves religious. How can that be? With each year I thought this year they'll be more mature. But you find they've got Master's Degrees, PhD.s, and steady seniority in jobs and yet rare maturity. And still, I remained kind, open, afraid of saying "No" anytime someone initiated a conversation.
I wondered how I could tell him, "I'm sorry but I don't really want to chat about nothingness," without sounding rude. Because I've found these days that men are more emotional than women and take things a lot more personally. Rather than respecting a woman who tells them she'd prefer not to start a meaningless relationship, he labels her: Extremely Religious, Arrogant, Rude, etc. So how does a girl balance between being nice and maintaining her religiosity?
Back in 6th grade, I was well aware and very much agreed to the idea that socializing with boys was only necessary if we were partners on a school project or worked together. But agreeing to go out for drinks after the merger meeting, or getting lunch after our midterm was not really an option.
I guess what I really am wondering is also on a personal level. I'm wondering if I can ever get that sensation of walking away from an offer the way I did so happily and confidently in 6th grade? Knowing that if this man TRULY meant the offer in an honest and futuristic manner he would actually take the right steps rather than beat around the bushes. I mean what is so hard with telling someone how you feel from the get-go? And then deciding to follow through with it the right way?
The thing is technology has started to dilute the Muslim's idea of communication and socializing. Now everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook. And so with that comes the Facebook Chat & Messages. EVERYONE e-mails. And let's not begin with texts. And most, if not all, have found a way to keep it all hidden and secretive. And slowly it's morphing and growing until it eats us all up. And we find ourselves tasting the bitter blood of broken hearts because we find out 3, 4, or 9 months later it meant nothing to the other person. Why?
After my rejuvenating escape from the Californian bubble for almost half a year I realized all of this. It starts with realizing how much you are worth and who you are and what you truly deserve. Petty flirts and chats that will lead no where are no longer on my list of do-ables. Why open the door to something that won't even come in?
